Good Bye Ally–Hello Ice Cream!

White Chocolate Ice Cream with Raspberries and Dark Chocolate Flakes

We had a goodbye party for Allyaska and Tyler at Subzero Ice Cream. I had never heard of this ice cream shop before and it was really “cool”. There must have been at least a million possible flavors of ice cream, since you got to make a lot of choices, from what kind of dairy product, to ice cream flavor, and mix ins! Those choices seemed endless. Dad had it easy, he noticed they had a Employee Favorite of German Chocolate Ice Cream. Kevin and MaryAnn just wanted gummy bears!

Doesn’t this ice cream look amazing!
It was so delicious.

Kevin said we had to get a picture with Uncle Tyler!

I only took Kevin and MaryAnn, the older kids were playing volleyball at the park with their friends. It is a good thing, the store wasn’t that big and we had a large group with us!
We were trying to get everyone to stick out their tongues – look even Grandma stuck out her tongue!
They were having so much fun together! Kevin, Ally, and MaryAnn have so much fun together. We had a great time while Ally was with us – we love you Ally!


Imagine, even Aunt Malinda sticks out her tongue!



Should I – or shouldn’t I.
Alright – here is a picture of me – apx 36 hours before Lydia was born! I look happy, and as long as I didn’t move I felt ok, but moving was miserable and I was so ready to have a baby in my arms, not in my tummy!

The Inner Vessel

 

Do ye suppose that God will look upon you as guiltless while ye sit still and behold these things? Behold I say  unto you, Nay. Now I would that ye should remember that God has said that the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also. Alma 60:23

Captain Moroni was not a whiner and complainer. He was the leader of an army. HE was a man of God. Of him it was said:

If all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men. Alma 48:17

He was not afraid to stand up for what he believed to be true – even if it meant he needed to issue a complaint. In Alma chapter 60 we read Moroni’s epistle to Pahoran, which begins, “I have somewhat to say unto them [Pahoran and other leaders]  by the way of condemnation” and then he goes on to explain the ways that he feels the armies have been mistreated and neglected. Then in verse 6 he politely says, “we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great neglect; yea we desire to know the cause of your thoughtless states.”

What a great example of tact and diplomacy. Obviously, he is not afraid to defend himself, but he is kind and considerate in his manner of making his complaint known and trying to understand the situation at hand.

Throughout the whole chapter he eloquently alternates between making his case of the difficult war situation and reminding the leaders of their need to support the army in their fight for freedom in a most diplomatic manner. Verse 10 reads “And now, my beloved brethren-for ye ought to be beloved; yea, and ye ought to have stirred yourselves more diligently for the welfare and the freedom of this people.”

As I read this chapter in the context of my past year and trying to decide how to move forward with the next phase of my progression this concept of standing up for my beliefs and for freedom, through tact and diplomacy really made an impression on me. I realized I don’t have to let what others have done control my life, I can stand up to them, can explain the wrongs, can forgive, and be healed, no matter what their response.

“I would that ye should remember that God has said that the inward vessel shall be cleansed first, and then shall the outer vessel be cleansed also.” (verse 23) Moroni is in a war, he is fighting for freedom, and he threatens to fight the government if need be to get their support for the war. He is concerned that the government has been corrupted, and as a true freedom fighter he is willing do go to battle with the government.

Unlike Moroni I can then move on, and begin working towards something better. The inner vessel that I need to clean is myself, and I can see that as I have made progression forgiveness and inner cleansing, I am also make progress in cleansing the outer vessel, my home and my relationships. It has been a marvelous change.

The next chapter contains Pahoran’s reply, and I can also learn much from him. “And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice i n the greatness of your heart.  . . . My soul standeth fast in that liberty in the which God hath made us free.” Pahoran was a great man, he was open to listen to the condemnation given until him and to learn from it, he took it as advice, given in love and kindness and used it to make a better informed decision about the course of the war.

Like Pahoran I have received advice and learned lessons from many different resources, through reading scriptures, from leaders, from movies, from personal trials and sometimes the feelings that come pierce to the soul. They hurt. Personal growth is not easy. There is pain involved in learning, just as in fighting for freedom. The freedom I fight for is from the natural man, but like Pahoran I want to be steadfast in liberty and learn more about and from God, and then eventually be prepared to help in the great battle for Freedom that we all must fight together, but first I must clean the inner vessel of myself, then I can work to prepare my family and my community to fight the good fight for freedom.

A Cry for Help

I wrote this last November, but the pain and the emotions were still to raw for me to post it. In light of my article on Forgiveness I decided that it was time to post this article as well. I am posting a lot of these articles to help others to understand that they are not alone in their grief, that others are suffering, and also to help those who support those that are suffering to understand what their loved ones may be going through.

I have rewritten this article to maintain anonymity of the people involved.

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Walking down the hallway at church is a lot like walking in a mine field. I have no idea what I am going to run into. I try to stay focused on my kids and my tasks. I realize that everyone else has their own trials and really isn't interested in mine, or I’m not interested in sharing in such a public place and so I keep to myself. When I have time ... which isn't much, I am working on forgiving those that have hurt me, dealing with my grief, reaching out to others on my terms, and trying to heal.

I planned on being in my primary in class today. Usually If I need to go home I would have let someone know. I taught class last week, all by myself, so I had not reason to think that this week would be so hard.  . . . I don't even remember exactly what happened, but I became very emotional and escaped out to the van where I cried for a long time. When I finally pulled myself back together and came in to go to the bathroom and freshen up I was greeted by an open door to our classroom and all our sunbeams kids looking at me.

I did my best to go to class but the kids were very restless and I was in no condition to be patient with them. I was very frustrated. They have no idea why their teacher has been a mess for months. They never knew I was pregnant, and I never felt like it was appropriate for me to explain to them about death and grief and stillbirth. They are so young, and it wasn’t my place.  It hasn't been fair to them to have to put up with me.

I never know . . . It isn't like I plan to be upset. Something that doesn't affect me one day will really upset me another day. My hour in the car crying was actually really healing for me. I just have to take things one day or hour or minute at a time

Part of the reason church is so hard is because there are so many people  . . . deciding over and over what to say when asked "how are you ?" is so hard. Should I give the truthful answer, "I'm having a really rough time right now. My body aches all over, I'm not sure why. I'm still grieving the loss of my baby, she was due 2 weeks ago, and I'm pregnant again and I'm terrified that I will lose this baby as well. Other than that, we are all fed and dressed and at church today. How about you? Oh sorry was that to much information?

The other alternative is to lie and say "fine" when really although I may look put together and fine, I'M HURTING INSIDE and would really like someone to notice. 

I don’t know if it was bravery, or anger, or just plain stupidity, but I opened up a little bit, and tried to let someone know about my hour crying in the car. It was a cry for help, love, and understanding. I thought the person I talked to would understood that I am still having a hard time. Instead I ended up hurting her feelings, and then turning and walking away because I didn't want to become a crying mess in the hallway again. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, I just wanted to be loved and understood.

Later I figured out what it was that upset me today, and it was such an innocent little occurrence. I saw a mother, with her brand new baby, a baby that was due the same week as Holly, who would have grown up and been in Holly's nursery class, been baptized the same month as Holly, and passed all the other milestones of life with Holly. Her arms and heart were full, and mine were empty and the tears came quick and I had to escape. I know as time passes I will be able to look at that little boy, or other little boys and girls that would have been Holly's friends and find joy in thinking of them, but today the pain was to raw, the emotions to great, the healing still to be done.

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My husband informed me later that I had really upset my friend, and I have let that become a wedge between us, so much that we have only talked “church business” since then. I am now letting go of that pain, I am forgiving her for not recognizing my cry for help, and I am asking her to forgive me for hurting her feelings. I hope that we can now rebuild our relationship.

Nesting . . . Vicariously

The time is getting close, this baby will be coming soon, and yesterday was definitely a day for nesting. The first thing I thought of when I woke up was how to organize the cupboards in the office. Weird. I assigned Rebecca the task on organizing the game cupboard and storing some games in the basement. She did a beautiful job, while I took it easy on the couch and attended a seminar online.

Before lunch I spent about 30 minutes helping the kids clean their hallway and organizing the shelves and the credenza. This work was physically hard on me and I was hurting when we were done, but, It looks so much better, especially my stairs that I had Rebecca vacuum. I love having clean stairs.

Later in the afternoon I tried napping, but couldn't, so I had Emily bring me some contact paper and some Costco Milk boxes. I covered 3 boxes, and my girls thought I was being weird. We use these milk boxes everywhere in the house. They are the perfect size for file folders, organizing books and projects, and the fridge. I don't usually take the time or effort to make them look pretty. I said, "Baby is coming soon, so I'm nesting." Then I had to explain nesting to the girls.

I then proceeded to enlist their help in cleaning out the rest of the office cupboards. I stored some stuff away and now I have an amazing TJED Closet space all ready to go. I was explaining the "closet" to Rebecca and she was like, but Mom, its summer. I said, "I know, but I'm nesting."

The final nesting project for the day was carried out even more vicariously. Over the weekend my sister in Tennessee texted and asked what I needed or wanted for the baby. Something new I'd never had or something that needed replaced. I finally thought of what she could do this morning. I've been searching unsuccessfully for a dresser for baby clothes. (I can't wash them until I have a place to put them.) I texted Bonnie and said what I really need is a dresser, you could try Craigslist (she is a Craigslist pro). I sent her a picture of the space I wanted to put the dresser. By 3 o'clock she sent me three links and within 30 minutes, and several more texts, I arranged for Brad to pick up this beautiful dresser.

I just realized that is not all, but this last one I did have to pay for, but it was worth it. Rebecca has a set of brothers for friends, and when one of them was here last week I randomly asked him if he hired out to do weed whacking, and he said "YES!" He arrived this afternoon with goggles, overalls and his weed whacker and made a good dent in the weeds in my yard! WOO HOO!

OVERALL, it was a very productive day and my nest is getting to be so much cleaner and beautiful, and ready for a new baby.

The Person in the Mirror

I've been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints my entire life. I've read the Book of Mormon numerous times. I know all the "sunday school" answers to the standard questions that are asked in class. I've read many books on church subjects, and had many experiences and trials in my life that have taught me many things. The 10 Commandments are easy to live, as are most of the other commandments, yet, there is one very important commandment with which I still struggle.

FORGIVENESS

I understand the command given in Doctrine and Covenants 64:10 "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." I know that I must forgive, yet in the midst of the pain and suffering actually forgiving is very difficult. I was reminded of the intense need I had to forgive and move on as I attended my daughters Young Women’s class today.

This video from Mormon Messages was shown at the end of class, and it reminded me that I have always wanted to be the type of person, who, like Chris, had already decided that in a tragedy he would forgive. I feel ashamed that I have held onto my hurt feelings over simple misunderstandings, miscommunications, and deeds  that I considered inappropriate. The grudges that I have held are only hurting me. The people that I have been unable to forgive probably don’t even realize that they have hurt me.

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Last summer I took a trip by myself to have time and space to read, to pray, to sleep and to work through my emotions. I plead for the love in my soul to forgive those that I felt had wronged me. I attended the temple and felt like I was able to make a huge amount of progress in my healing and forgiving, but forgiveness isn't a one time event. It isn't something that can be listed on a checklist and marked of as complete. Just as at baptism we are cleansed of all our sins, we are not done. We are going to sin again, it is the way of the natural man. Heavenly Father has a plan though, he has provided us with the weekly ordinance of the sacrament to renew our baptismal covenants and to be clean once again.

So it is with forgiveness. We are going to spend our live surrounded by others who inadvertently in large or small ways will hurt our feelings, innocently, or without even knowing that they have caused any harm. We must choose to forgive, even if those who you must forgive don't ask for forgiveness, or even know that they have hurt you.

Logically I understand that, we must forgive, and the act of forgiving is more for us, than it is for the other person. Where I am really struggling is with healing the hurt within myself, protecting myself from being hurt again, and with learning to trust those who have hurt me. Do I share with them how I am struggling, do I explain to them the pain that they caused me, and how to I find the peace in my heart that is needed to reach out to these people in friendship.
President Uchtdorf in his April 2012 conference address, "The Merciful Obtain Mercy" said:

We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters.

I realized again, that I need to pray and ask God to give me a forgiving heart, to replace the hurt in my heart with love, to help me remember to accept people for who they are and where they are on the path back to our Heavenly Father. I need to develop more charity, more pure love of Christ. I love this quote from the same talk by President Uchtdorf:

The pure love of Christ can remove the scales of resentment and wrath from our eyes, allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us: as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine. Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive each other.

I have allowed my eyes to become clouded, to keep me from seeing others as they truly are, priceless children of Heavenly Father, who have an inner genius, divine nature given them by God. Instead of looking for their inner genius I have been only looking at their flaws. Obviously, "remaineth [in me] the greater sin" (Doctrine & Covenants 64:9). I am the one that needs to repent. I must spend some time looking at my own heart, and forgive myself for holding onto these grudges for so long. I must figure out a way to love my enemies, to show them that they are forgiven and to forgive myself.
I highly recommend President Uchtdorf's talk, "The Merciful Attain Mercy" and I will leave with this final quote from his talk:

When the Lord requires that we forgive all men, that includes forgiving ourselves. Sometimes, of all the people in the world, the one who is the hardest to forgive—as well as perhaps the one who is most in need of our forgiveness—is the person looking back at us in the mirror

I Choose Birthdays

Today was not supposed to have been Holly’s birthday, it was way to early in my pregnancy for her to have survived outside the womb, and yet she had already been dead a couple of weeks. Yet, I will always think of the 16th of June as Holly’s birthday, to think of it as anything else is too painful. I even had to look up the date that Kyle died because I couldn’t remember when that was, but I remember his birthday.

Birthday’s are supposed to be happy times,
so I choose to remember birthdays.


A friend shared this song with me earlier this week and immediately I planned to share it today.


Gone Too Soon by Daughtry
Today could have been the day,
That you blow out your candles,
Make a wish as you close your eyes.
Today could have been the day,
Everybody was laughing,
Instead I just sit here and cry,
Who would you be?
What would you look like,
When you looked at me for the very first time?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.
Would you have been president
Or a painter, an author, who sang like your mother?
One thing is evident,
Would've given all I had,
Would've loved you like no other.
Who would you be,
What would you look like,
Would you have my smile and her eyes?
Today could have been the next day of the rest of your life.
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a ray of light we never knew,
Gone too soon, yeah.
Not a day goes by,
Oh
I'm always asking why.
Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you,
I'm always asking why this crazy world had to lose,
Such a beautiful light we never knew,
Gone too soon,
You were gone too soon
Yeah.Not a day goes by,
That I don't think of you.

I don’t dwell on these questions, because I understand the plan of salvation, I know that my babies are safe, and are busy doing the work that they need to do in Heaven, and that they will have a chance to again inhabit their mortal bodies and grow up, and attain the Celestial Kingdom.

I am the one that has the more difficult task, my entrance into the Celestial Kingdom is not guaranteed. I need to do my part hear on earth to more diligently fulfill my earthly role, to become the best wife and mother I can be, to study the scriptures, to gain the knowledge and experience that I need to be prepared to be with my loved ones again, to be able to raise their earthly bodies, and to be with them forever.

Happy Birthday, Holly! I love you, and miss you. I planted flowers in containers on the front porch today in your honor. You will always be in my heart, and part of my family.

Angel in Disguise

We were blessed this week by an Angel in Disguise who left a brand new in the box bassinet on the front porch to be discovered by my husband on his way out the door to work one morning. I will admit, I really wanted a bassinet and posted on facebook and in my Relief Society email list that I would like to borrow one for a few months. I never expected a brand new one to appear so mysteriously, and I don’t know who to thank personally, so this is my Thank You to the Angel in Disguise.

Brad, Isaac and the kids set it up, and it is beautiful, and amazing. I don’t think any of my babies have had something so nice.

I am not even sure how to describe how much this bassinet means to me. The last year has been a rough one, it was a year ago today that we had a much anticipated 20 week ultrasound. Rebecca, Emily came with Brad and I, and we were all excited to find out if we were going to be adding another girl or boy to our family. Instead, we were devastated to learn that there was no heartbeat.

I felt so bad for my girls, especially Rebecca. She had been with me a year previously when at 11? weeks we discovered that there was no heartbeat. However, this time was much more shocking because, although I had my worries, I was sure everything was ok, because I had been feeling the baby move. Apparently what I had been feeling was a fetus floating around in amniotic fluid and bumping into me. Even with the understanding of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and the understanding of Heavenly Father’s plan, the reality of life is shock, grief, pain and sorrow.

Overcoming that grief and facing a new pregnancy has been difficult. Kicks from the baby bring an assurance that she is still there and wanting to join our family, but the excitement of a new baby hasn’t come as easily as it has in the past. I have had to make a real effort to talk about the baby, to bond with her as she has grown and developed, and to find peace in my soul.

MaryAnn has been a real help in this, at 4 she doesn’t understand or remember that disappointment of last year, and she is genuinely excited to have a baby sister growing in Mom’s tummy (and a pretend one in her tummy).   She loves to play with her baby dolls, and if I’m not careful she would take over all the furniture meant for my baby, so the bassinet is off limits to her babies, except for the little boxes underneath, they make great beds for her dolls.

I am so thankful to the Angel in Disguise who has presented this beautiful resting place for our new baby, for the peace and anticipation that it has helped to bring to my heart, for the reminder of the goodness of others, and the miracle of having babies.