28 July 2011

The Good Heart


Thinking, but choosing not to feel, cold-hearted men live at a frantic pace, in a desperate pursuit of whatever it is they think they are missing in life. With no time for meditation, prayer, introspection, or reflection, they live as a dog, forever, chasing its tail. Remember one and all, the head is for getting and the heart is for giving. (The Good Heart, pg 43, by James Michael Pratt)

This is how I’ve been living the past couple of weeks, at a frantic pace, running here and there with my kids and my family, trying to make sure that everyone else needs are met, but not taking time for the things that matter most to me. Even when I was up late into the night, because I needed time to myself, I wasn’t using the time wisely, unless playing computer games until 4am is considered a wise use of my time.

At first I didn’t think that this part of the description fit, but the more I think about it, maybe it does, on some level.

“Cold-hearted men . . . are not lost be delusional and hyper-rational, telling themselves there is no God; that there is no personal responsibility for their actions. Lacking conscience and convinced the brain does all the work, these poor souls make decisions based only on ‘I, me, and mine,’ injuring others as they do.”

Outwardly I’ve never said, “There is no God” because I truly believe that I have a rock-solid belief in God, and in the Gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but . . . I have been acting, in my personal unseen life as if there is no God. I say this because my reading of the Book of Mormon has been almost non-existent, my prayers have been insincere and infrequent, daily devotionals with my kids have been irregular and lacking, and my introspective moments have mostly been framed around the writing of a blog post that hopefully will help to heal my soul and touch the lives of others as well.

I have, however, been thinking a lot about myself, trying to deal with my grief, and all the other duties that come with the calling of Mother. In this delusional state I have injured others, and claimed that they have injured me, and that I was only protecting myself. During one of currently rare family scripture studies this week we read this verse,

3 Nephi 6:13

Some were lifted up in pride, and others were exceedingly humble; some did return railing for railing, while others would receive railing and apersecution and all manner of bafflictions, and would not turn and crevile again, but were humble and penitent before God.

Turn the other cheek. Be Humble. What does penitent mean? Can I do this?


Jarom and Jennifer said...

I am quite behind on reading blogs. I read back a bit and I feel kind of insensitive. My last post was "welcome back to blog world". Very little did I know what was going on in your life. It makes my heart sad for you and your family, especially you, because I have come to understand the emotions of women and how logic (which is what keeps being thrown at you) doesn't help much when you are feeling grief. anyway... I will pray for you. I guess that's all I can offer right now. I am sorry for the death of your wee little one.

reikkmmom said...

Don't worry about your "welcome back" comment. It means so much more to me that you took time to come back and show that you understand the logiclessness of grief and women's emotions.