A Cry for Help

I wrote this last November, but the pain and the emotions were still to raw for me to post it. In light of my article on Forgiveness I decided that it was time to post this article as well. I am posting a lot of these articles to help others to understand that they are not alone in their grief, that others are suffering, and also to help those who support those that are suffering to understand what their loved ones may be going through.

I have rewritten this article to maintain anonymity of the people involved.

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Walking down the hallway at church is a lot like walking in a mine field. I have no idea what I am going to run into. I try to stay focused on my kids and my tasks. I realize that everyone else has their own trials and really isn't interested in mine, or I’m not interested in sharing in such a public place and so I keep to myself. When I have time ... which isn't much, I am working on forgiving those that have hurt me, dealing with my grief, reaching out to others on my terms, and trying to heal.

I planned on being in my primary in class today. Usually If I need to go home I would have let someone know. I taught class last week, all by myself, so I had not reason to think that this week would be so hard.  . . . I don't even remember exactly what happened, but I became very emotional and escaped out to the van where I cried for a long time. When I finally pulled myself back together and came in to go to the bathroom and freshen up I was greeted by an open door to our classroom and all our sunbeams kids looking at me.

I did my best to go to class but the kids were very restless and I was in no condition to be patient with them. I was very frustrated. They have no idea why their teacher has been a mess for months. They never knew I was pregnant, and I never felt like it was appropriate for me to explain to them about death and grief and stillbirth. They are so young, and it wasn’t my place.  It hasn't been fair to them to have to put up with me.

I never know . . . It isn't like I plan to be upset. Something that doesn't affect me one day will really upset me another day. My hour in the car crying was actually really healing for me. I just have to take things one day or hour or minute at a time

Part of the reason church is so hard is because there are so many people  . . . deciding over and over what to say when asked "how are you ?" is so hard. Should I give the truthful answer, "I'm having a really rough time right now. My body aches all over, I'm not sure why. I'm still grieving the loss of my baby, she was due 2 weeks ago, and I'm pregnant again and I'm terrified that I will lose this baby as well. Other than that, we are all fed and dressed and at church today. How about you? Oh sorry was that to much information?

The other alternative is to lie and say "fine" when really although I may look put together and fine, I'M HURTING INSIDE and would really like someone to notice. 

I don’t know if it was bravery, or anger, or just plain stupidity, but I opened up a little bit, and tried to let someone know about my hour crying in the car. It was a cry for help, love, and understanding. I thought the person I talked to would understood that I am still having a hard time. Instead I ended up hurting her feelings, and then turning and walking away because I didn't want to become a crying mess in the hallway again. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings, I just wanted to be loved and understood.

Later I figured out what it was that upset me today, and it was such an innocent little occurrence. I saw a mother, with her brand new baby, a baby that was due the same week as Holly, who would have grown up and been in Holly's nursery class, been baptized the same month as Holly, and passed all the other milestones of life with Holly. Her arms and heart were full, and mine were empty and the tears came quick and I had to escape. I know as time passes I will be able to look at that little boy, or other little boys and girls that would have been Holly's friends and find joy in thinking of them, but today the pain was to raw, the emotions to great, the healing still to be done.

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My husband informed me later that I had really upset my friend, and I have let that become a wedge between us, so much that we have only talked “church business” since then. I am now letting go of that pain, I am forgiving her for not recognizing my cry for help, and I am asking her to forgive me for hurting her feelings. I hope that we can now rebuild our relationship.

Time Out–for MOM!

I did it. I talked to my husband, who is amazingly supportive, and explained to him that I really needed to get away for a couple of days. I assured him that I wasn’t running away, from him, the kids, or my problems.

During a conversation I had with a friend over the weekend I was reminded about the peace and personal revelation that can come by attending the temple. Since the Boise Temple was just closed for remodeling, the nearest temple was Twin Falls, 2 hours away. The trip was doable in one day, but I felt like I needed more time than that, so after more discussion with Brad, making arrangements for the kids, I rented a car and packed to head out of town.

I got my friend to drop me off at the car rental agency, and when she came to pick me up, she commented that she hadn’t seen me looking so chipper in a long time. It was true, just making the decision to take care of myself, to reboot my life, had already begun to have a positive effect on me.

My Grandma loves Glenn Beck. She listens to and watchs him all the time, and pre-orders all his books. She has been trying to get me to listen to his book The Seven Wonders, she accidently ordered the audio version, for several months, so I took it with me to listen to in the car.

By the time I had gotten to Twin Falls I knew I had to buy the book. I love listening to books, but some books you just have to write in, underline, highlight, and write your feelings in, and this is one of them. Here are a couple of my favorite quotes -

“Everything happens for a reason.” (pg 13),

”They weren’t coincidences at all, they were bread crumbs” (pg 59)

“By sharing your truth with others, you are empowered.” (pg 41)

I had mentioned on facebook the day before that I wanted to go to the temple, but didn’t want to drive a 12 passenger van all by myself. My best friend for life commented she would join me at the Temple if I let her know when I was coming, since she lived nearby. Right before I left Boise, I facebooked a message to her to let her know I was on my way. When I called her about 20 minutes out of Twin she was already home from work and making arrangements to spend the whole evening with me.

I checked into my hotel, my friend invited me to stay at her house, but I really wanted to be alone most of the time that I was in town.I didn’t want to feel like I had to be social. I wanted to freedom to cry or sleep or type and cry some more. My friend understood.

She came and took me out to dinner at a nice, quiet, Chinese place. We were able to sit and talk for hours. The food was good, but I have no clue what I ate, or the name of the restaurant. I do remember the conversation that we had. We talked about Holly, about her life and her death, about the kind nurse that I had, about planning a funeral, about grief and pain. We talked about being kids together, about our families, about the many trials we had been through, but mostly she listened and I talked. I told her of my pain and sorrow, of my feelings of anger, and guilt, of the injustices that I felt I had been dealt, of the difficulties I was facing in forgiving, and forgetting, in letting the pain go, of feeling comfortable at church.

It was so nice to have a compassionate person to talk to, someone who knew me, maybe even better than I know myself. Someone that knew my family, and their history, and how far we had come. A friend who didn’t judge me for my feelings, or my emotions, or my anger, who excepted me pain and emotions, and loved me even more because of them.

When we finally called it a night, it felt like such a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I could begin to heal . . .

“studies prove that someone listening in a compassionate way to another human being’s life store can actually alter that person’s brain chemistry in a healing way.” (Seven Wonders pg 168)

I was so amazing – I had listened to in the car on my way down, and knew that I intellectually that it must be true, and that I needed someone to talk to – I had tried reaching out to several people, but they weren’t able to feel the need I had for a compassionate ear, and in fact I had come away from those instances more hurt and full of pain than before.

“I was “ready to vanquish the demons, [I] had been fleeing”, but first I needed to face them. (SW,112) and I was able to do that by talking about them with my friend. Now that someone had taken the time and energy to listen to me compassionately I was sufficiently healed enough to begin to take the next step.

The next day I attended the temple. I was able to feel the spirit and find some peace and comfort in the plan of salvation, in knowing that Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and is watching over me. I was able to begin to release more of the pain and anger I had towards those who had hurt me, and to forgive them. Keith Ablow describes it like this “Never be afraid to feel for someone else, no matter how unfeeling they have been to you. When you do, you stand with what is good and decent and miraculous. You stand with God.” (Seven Wonders, pg 167) I was able to forgive them, but the pain was still there, although greatly reduced.

I spent the rest of the day alone, mostly in my hotel room. I read more of The Seven Wonders, I took a much needed nap, and then I addressed envelopes. I had decided to mail with funeral programs to friends and family members, to write notes of forgiveness, or love or encouragement to others as an important step in my healing process. I included in most of my cards the address of my blog. I didn’t count, but I probably had about 40 envelopes addresses. I worked long into the night on the cards, so long that it was 1am before I even noticed. I still had many cards to go . . . but I was on the right path.

The next morning I met my friend for breakfast. We spoke again for another 2 hours. Honestly, we hadn’t spoken in over a year, and that is the way our friendship goes, even if it is a year or 2 between conversations, it is like we just talked yesterday. Except for once. As I was reading the chapter on Friendship I thought a lot about my friend, and I remembered the time when I wasn’t there for her. I realized that I needed to ask for her forgiveness. We had a wonderful talk and cemented our friendship even deeper. I will always treasure her friendship, because we have truly bonded, and will be eternal friends.

These few days away – by myself – in the presence of a true friend – in the temple – were exactly what I needed. I was again able to center myself, to have faith, and courage, have the strength to go on. Listening to and reading The Seven Wonders was an important part  of this transformation and helped to give me insight into what was to come next . . .

The next few weeks and months were truly a whirlwind . . .  and I’ve thought back to this TIME OUT often as reassurance that I was on the right path. At this time I’m unable to say more in such a public forum, but I am continually grateful that I had this opportunity to prepare me for what lay ahead.

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I began writing this post while still in Twin Falls, but in the whirlwind of life that has happened since then, and the fact that I’ve given my copy of the Seven Wonders away twice, I was never able to finish. I am so glad I finally got it done, because I felt like I needed to post this – before moving on to any other posts. I miss posting, and I am glad to be back.

The Problem at My House

I wrote this a couple of days ago. I just never posted it. I’m posting it now so that my post tomorrow will make sense. I’m also go to set the post date to the date I should have posted it, even though I am posting it late or early Friday Morning I think I wrote it Monday or Tuesday.

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There’s a problem at my house, and I’m afraid the problem is me. I’m really struggling right now, with everything. I thought I could handle losing Holly. I really did. I happened to run into the Bishopbric the evening we found out there was no heartbeat – and I told them I would deliver the baby on Thursday, and I expected to be back to church on Sunday. Everything would be OK, I had been through this before.

I was very obviously in denial. At that point, I still didn’t believe that the baby was dead, I was sure that there had been some mistake, that I had felt the definite movement that morning, and since then. I spent hours that night searching the internet for stories of ultrasounds that were wrong, and a heart beat was found at a subsequent ultrasound. And I found them, there was a shred of hope out there. Barely a sliver really, these had been ultrasounds and much earlier gestations, ones where a heartbeat had never been detected before . . . maybe the baby’s heart just hadn’t started yet and needed a bit more time.

The next day my parents came by with doughnuts for breakfast and took the kids away for a previously planned workday at my sisters house. I requested a blessing before they left – and so my husband and my dad gave me a priesthood blessing. Brad anointed, and my Dad was voice for the blessing. I don’t remember most of what was said, but I’ll paraphrase the small tidbit that I do remember  “the baby was taken at this time so you can begin healing.” That was so not what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear. As I spent the day alone I was able to take a step on the healing process and move out of denial, to accept that I was indeed carrying a dead baby.

 

Fast forward . . . and I mean FAST . . .  9 weeks. I haven’t hardly had a moment to breathe. Our vacation was amazing, and I was able to let go of all of the hurts, trials, and responsibilities of my daily life, well at least I left most of them behind, anytime you are responsible for 5, and intermingling almost constantly with 11 there is bound to be some stress on the mother. Maybe not let them go, but leave them behind. It was a nice break, and I didn’t want to come home and have to pick them back up again. Life, however must go on, and they are my burdens, and I must deal with them.

Life has been so hectic, so crazy. So fun. Honestly, we have had an amazing summer. We have done so many fun things. Vacation. Family. Friends. Swimming. TV. Cousins. Family Reunion. Computer. The list goes on. I have really enjoyed planning fun things for my kids to do – and then doing them with them. It just got to be to much fun. No downtime, for the kids, or for me. Ok, not true. We slept every night. I slept a lot less than the kids. I needed “MY” time. I searched the web. I wrote blogs. I facebooked. I read books. I avoided dealing with my emotions. I surfed the web or played games until I was so tired that I could go to sleep without tossing and turning first. Sometimes it worked.

I didn’t deal with the emotional issues as they came. One here – one there. A misspoken word. An imagined offense. An insensitive remark. Oh, the tears were there. I cried, huge, racking sobs. I yelled, and cryed to my husband. Why am I being treated this way. I wrote in my journal. Sometimes I prayed. It seemed easier to just ignore everything around me.

I think the problem at my house is me – and I’m ready to run away. I need a break. I need to regroup. I need to find peace.