I'm slipping back into a skin that I'm not sure that I want to be in. Ten days of vacation from home, school, grief, work, church, menus, callings, yard work, responsibilities, homeschooling, friendships, etc was nice. Not lazy, or boring, super busy as usual. I still had 5 kids to watch over and ensure that their basic needs were met, food, clothes, sleep and shelter, and their emotional needs were still paramount in my thoughts and actions. It was nice to leave so many other concerns behind, although we went so many places and did so many fun, touristy types of things.
As usual, carving out a bit of time for myself was difficult. I desire that time at night, but am often to tired to be real productive when I am winding down from a long day. I sometimes try to wake up early, but it never seems to fail that if Mom is awake early, and wants quiet time, so are the kids, of course, if their are chores to be done they might stay in bed all day.
Part of me wants to just move on to a new normal, start over, be free from past worries. From past experience I know that ignoring the issues, or trying to hide them deep inside is not the answer. I need to deal with my issues in a productive manner, or they will deal with me in a non-productive and harmful way when I least expect it.
There is no end in sight to the ocean, and it's force is powerful. You can stand on the sand, dip your ankles into the water, but it's pull is nearly irresistible. The waves call to you to come in, to feel the power of the tide. Heavenly Father's love is greater than the ocean. He wants us to come home to him. He sent his Son to save us from our sins the way the waves wipe out all traces of human presence in the sand. Forgiveness and Repentance are as available to us, as writing our concerns in the sand, and having them washed away by the LOVE, Peace and Hope that is found in the Ocean Waves.
I know that I can forgive, I know that I can find that peace in my life, and I Heavenly Father wants me to, and I know that I need to, but it won't happen magically. I have to take the effort. I need to find the time to pray, to meditate, to write, to acknowledge my own contributions to pain that I feel. I need to write my fears, feelings, errors, and offerings of forgiveness in the sands of my soul and allow Heavenly Father to wash away the pain and infuse my soul with peace.
I want to again find peace in my own skin, and have the energy and emotional strength to BECOME . . . more than I am.