Emotional Range of a Teaspoon

I woke up this morning and thought of this conversation from Harry Potter, and how accurately it described my emotional state lately.

“Well, obviously, she’ feeling very sad, because of Cedric dying. Then I expect she’s feeling confused because she liked Cedric and now she likes Harry, and she can’t work out who she likes best. Then she’ll be feeling guilty, thinking it’s an insult to Cedric’s memory to be kissing Harry at all, and she’ll be worrying about what everyone else might say about her if she starts going out with Harry. And she probably can’t work out what her feelings toward Harry are anyway, because he was the one who was with Cedric when Cedric died, so that’s all very mixed up and painful. Oh, and she’s afraid she’s going to be thrown off the Ravenclaw Quidditch team because she’s been flying so badly.”

A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, “One person can’t feel all that at once, they’d explode.”

“Just because you have the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t’ mean we all have,” said Hermione nastily.- Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. by J.K Rowling pg 459

My emotions have been all over the place – and when people ask the standard, “How are you today?”, I have to pause and think, “Is this the time and place and person that I can open up and really share how I feel, or should I say something innocous like, “fine”, “ok”, ‘getting by” or, “still here”. I don’t want to lie, so I usually try to come up with a couple of words that could be accepted as flippant, or as a clue that I’m having a rough day, and then the the other person decide where to go from there in the conversation.
I think Michael J. Fox sums up what I am trying to say much better than I can.

So if you go up to someone and say, "How are you? Are you OK?" I mean, that tells me I'm supposed to not be OK. Just ask me if I'm OK, I'll tell you I'm OK...and take my word for it. Or I'll tell you I'm not OK...and then be prepared to reap what you've sown by asking me the question.
Read more: Michael J Fox Interview - Michael J Fox on Family and Tracy Pollan - Good Housekeeping

That’s the key – being prepared to reap what has been sown. I understand that most people aren’t prepared to deal with the rush of emotions that is bottled up inside me most of the time right now, and most of the time I don’t want to let them out either, but sometimes I do feel like I need to explode and that is when a listening ear, or at least a warm body is most appreciated.
Tears are nothing to be afraid of, they are very cathartic . The presence of another being brings love and peace into the equation, and that person can help you to come full circle to where you can face the day again.

Compassionate Friends

I got a letter from "The Compassionate Friends" today. It is interesting that an organization that I've never heard of has sent me a letter offering their sympathy at the loss of my baby, but it is nice to get mail that isn't a bill. I do have to admit we have received a few sympathy cards in the mail over the past few weeks. They are both difficult and comforting to read.

As I read the enclosures with the letter I also found it interesting that all the "grief material" is given to the ones doing the grieving. I don't feel like I need someone to tell me that grief is "painful and traumatic". I already knew that, already felt those feelings.
However, it is comforting to know that others have felt similar feelings, and that my feelings of "isolation" are typical of a grieving parent and not a sign that I am friendless, unloved, and unwanted. Depression talks loud, and lies. I may know that they are lies in the logical part of my brain, but the emotional part talks a lot louder sometimes.

After reading the brochure I wondered if "The Compassionate Friends" can figure out who I am - why can't they figure out who my friends and family are and mail them the brochure, or instead of the "Stillbirth, Miscarriage, and Infant Death” brochure they could mail them the "How Can I Help" brochure.

If you don't have time to read the whole brochure - I will highlight the two ways that I could use help the most.

— Be there. Run errands, help with household chores, provide child care, and help in whatever way is needed. Don’t say, “Call me if there is anything I can do.” That call will probably never come. Be aware of what needs to be done and offer to do specific tasks.

Being there is important. If you aren't in my home you have no idea how I am doing, or what needs I have. If you don't ask, I probably won't tell you what I need, and to make my life a little easier you could look around and offer something specific. Since I still have 5 kids that eat and wear clothes I probably have a dishwasher that needs loaded or a load of laundry that needs folded. Even if you just sit in my kitchen and visit with me while I clean could be very helpful, if I am physically recovered. My mind is clearing now, but it was so fuzzy for awhile, I had trouble maintaining a thought long enough to articulate it. I'm spending so much time at the grocery store now though because I can't seem to plan more than a meal or two ahead, and so I'm constantly needed to go shopping for food for the next meal.

— Give special attention to surviving children. They are hurt, confused, and often ignored. Don’t assume they are not hurting because they do not express their feelings. Many times siblings will suppress their grief to avoid adding to their parents’ pain. Talk to them and acknowledge their loss.

I honestly don't know how my kids are doing. I don't know if they are grieving. I've tried talking to them a couple of times. I don't know if they are feeling ignored. I locked myself in my room quite a bit at first, only doing what was absolutely necessary that I do. Physically and mentally I needed time off, and emotionally I was on a rollercoaster, and didn't want to take it out on my kids, so retreating was probably the best option. Lately we've been having fun with our family that has been in town, but I'm beginning to realize that it has been to much fun. We have had very little down time, and almost zero family time. What little time we have has been taken up with trying to get our housework, bills, library books, yard work and etc. caught up. My kids have had a lot of fun, and some chores, but are they being emotionally supported? I don't think so, because even our family traditions of scripture study, family home evening, and family prayer of taken a huge hit amongst all the chaos.

The brochures are really helpful, but they can only help so much. Real friends, as opposed to  unknown "compassionate friends" and virtual "facebook friends" would be welcome in my life.

The Bill

I dreaded opening “the Bill” from Relyea Funeral Chapel. I was afraid it would upset me – and so I walked past it several times this morning, I knew it was there, but was avoiding it. Finally, I decided to just get it over with, I was having a “good” morning, so this would probably be the best time to open it. I already knew that the total would be around $700 – so it wasn’t sticker shock – or was it. The total was only $590. I quickly scoured the rest of the page to find out how come it was so low. The funeral director had already explained that the costs would be minimal, the casket at cost, opening and closing costs at the cemetery, and the rest of the typical mortuary fees would be waived. (From what I understand it is typical for mortuary's to reduce the cost of their services for infant deaths).

The bill read as follows:

McCord Goldenfrost 12 Infant Casket – $150
Interment Fee – Cash Advance – $440

But wait, where was the cost for the flowers. I had ordered casket flowers a couple of days before the funeral. I had looked online and found the casket spray that I liked at Hope Blooms in Eagle. I loved the look of the Sweetly Rest Casket Spray, but I liked the colors in the Immorata Casket Spray. I emailed Hope Blooms and asked if they could do the Sweetly Rest with the lavender roses and for a small 12 inch casket. They were able to do what I wanted, plus suggested adding a ribbon with “Holly Marie” embroidered on it for a keepsake, and let me know they would make all the arrangements with the funeral home, including billing the funeral home. So . . .  did they get paid?

I calmly called the funeral home to double check my bill.  All is well, Hope Blooms was paid, after my bill was mailed, I would be getting a new statement at the end of the month. Relief.

While I was on the phone with the billing office I asked if I could make payments. The reassuring answer was “yes, no payment plan needed, just pay what you can.” Double Relief. The experience I had dreaded, and already cried over,  twice, went so much smoother than I expected.

It was still a good day. Maybe even a little better.

Cinderella

This is a beautiful song about a father and his experiences with his daughter as she grows up, and they grow up so quickly, and sometimes they are gone in an instant.



Here is the Author and Artist Steven Curtis Chapman telling about his real life experience that was the inspiration for this song.

Grandma is Coming Today

MaryAnn was sitting on the couch next to me, and was singing over, and over,”Grandma is coming today.” I was a little confused, because Grandma had already been her, and left already. However, it was really cute, that she was singing. Rebecca walked into the room and said, “Do you know what she is singing. I said, “Yes” with a confused look on my face. Rebecca said, “It is an All-About Family” song.

We love “The Allabout Family” and “Scriptures Scouts” and “Alexander’s Amazing Adventures” I mention all 3 of these together because the same artists wrote all of them. My kids have learned so much about the scriptures, the gospel, and good values by listening to these over and over. They have helped to create some really neat spiritual experiences in our home.

Apparently they have been listening to the Allabouts the last 2 nights as all of the kids have been sleeping together on the trampoline. MaryAnn picked up on the song quick – and has been singing it.

Unfortunately, I can’t find anywhere online where you can purchase the CD’s. I highly recommend them if you ever see them.

Grandma is Kisses,

Grandma is Hugs,

Grandma is coming Today!

Sleeping under the Stars

I am making memories with my little ones tonight, they wanted to sleep on the trampoline, so it is just Mommy, Kevin and MaryAnn, sleeping under the stars. It is moments like these I know that we  will treasure forever, and it makes all the rough times so worthwhile. I enjoy cuddling with them, and listening to MaryAnn sing, “Itsy Bitsy Spider” until she fell asleep.

I kept trying to sleep, but to know avail, so I pulled out my laptop and kept scrapbooking. I love my laptop that Brad got me for my birthday. It has been so handy. The wireless connection even works good outside on the trampoline!

 

Portland Vacation

We are getting super excited for our vacation to Seaside Oregon. We leave in about 1 month.I finally found my pictures from our last vacation - I converted to a digital camera about a week after we got back from that vacation, so I had to have all the pictures scanned.

It's been 10 years since this vacation. Isaac was only 4 months, Emily 2 years, and Rebecca 3.5. None of the kids remember seeing the ocean, going to OMSI, being surprised to see Multnohomah Falls and having time to stop and enjoy it. We loved finding new parks, camping out, and having Fruit Snack Attacks.

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