No Matter What

The words on the page are the lyrics to “No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts.

As I watched this video I felt like the girl could be me.I’ve felt those feelings, acted that way, and then had to open the door, and my heart, and walk down the stairs to be with my kids, when really, what I felt like inside was throwing myself back on my bed trying to sink into oblivion.

I didn’t want to bottle up my pain, because I know that I NEEDED to feel the pain to be able to heal, but I also could TRUST Heavenly Father and know that “No MATTER WHAT” he was there for me.

I made this scrapbook page and discovered this song shortly after Holly’s funeral, and it has been hanging up in my kitchen where I glance at it daily. Today I took the time to read the words again and allow myself to briefly feel the pain again that I felt at the time of her funeral. At that time I was barely holding on the the promises.

As time has passed the pain has lessened. I still hold onto the promises but I am functioning well in daily life and no longer have the intense need to curl up in ball, although at times it would be nice. It is nice to have a visual reminder of where I have been and how far I’ve come in the past couple of months.

Time Out–for MOM!

I did it. I talked to my husband, who is amazingly supportive, and explained to him that I really needed to get away for a couple of days. I assured him that I wasn’t running away, from him, the kids, or my problems.

During a conversation I had with a friend over the weekend I was reminded about the peace and personal revelation that can come by attending the temple. Since the Boise Temple was just closed for remodeling, the nearest temple was Twin Falls, 2 hours away. The trip was doable in one day, but I felt like I needed more time than that, so after more discussion with Brad, making arrangements for the kids, I rented a car and packed to head out of town.

I got my friend to drop me off at the car rental agency, and when she came to pick me up, she commented that she hadn’t seen me looking so chipper in a long time. It was true, just making the decision to take care of myself, to reboot my life, had already begun to have a positive effect on me.

My Grandma loves Glenn Beck. She listens to and watchs him all the time, and pre-orders all his books. She has been trying to get me to listen to his book The Seven Wonders, she accidently ordered the audio version, for several months, so I took it with me to listen to in the car.

By the time I had gotten to Twin Falls I knew I had to buy the book. I love listening to books, but some books you just have to write in, underline, highlight, and write your feelings in, and this is one of them. Here are a couple of my favorite quotes -

“Everything happens for a reason.” (pg 13),

”They weren’t coincidences at all, they were bread crumbs” (pg 59)

“By sharing your truth with others, you are empowered.” (pg 41)

I had mentioned on facebook the day before that I wanted to go to the temple, but didn’t want to drive a 12 passenger van all by myself. My best friend for life commented she would join me at the Temple if I let her know when I was coming, since she lived nearby. Right before I left Boise, I facebooked a message to her to let her know I was on my way. When I called her about 20 minutes out of Twin she was already home from work and making arrangements to spend the whole evening with me.

I checked into my hotel, my friend invited me to stay at her house, but I really wanted to be alone most of the time that I was in town.I didn’t want to feel like I had to be social. I wanted to freedom to cry or sleep or type and cry some more. My friend understood.

She came and took me out to dinner at a nice, quiet, Chinese place. We were able to sit and talk for hours. The food was good, but I have no clue what I ate, or the name of the restaurant. I do remember the conversation that we had. We talked about Holly, about her life and her death, about the kind nurse that I had, about planning a funeral, about grief and pain. We talked about being kids together, about our families, about the many trials we had been through, but mostly she listened and I talked. I told her of my pain and sorrow, of my feelings of anger, and guilt, of the injustices that I felt I had been dealt, of the difficulties I was facing in forgiving, and forgetting, in letting the pain go, of feeling comfortable at church.

It was so nice to have a compassionate person to talk to, someone who knew me, maybe even better than I know myself. Someone that knew my family, and their history, and how far we had come. A friend who didn’t judge me for my feelings, or my emotions, or my anger, who excepted me pain and emotions, and loved me even more because of them.

When we finally called it a night, it felt like such a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I could begin to heal . . .

“studies prove that someone listening in a compassionate way to another human being’s life store can actually alter that person’s brain chemistry in a healing way.” (Seven Wonders pg 168)

I was so amazing – I had listened to in the car on my way down, and knew that I intellectually that it must be true, and that I needed someone to talk to – I had tried reaching out to several people, but they weren’t able to feel the need I had for a compassionate ear, and in fact I had come away from those instances more hurt and full of pain than before.

“I was “ready to vanquish the demons, [I] had been fleeing”, but first I needed to face them. (SW,112) and I was able to do that by talking about them with my friend. Now that someone had taken the time and energy to listen to me compassionately I was sufficiently healed enough to begin to take the next step.

The next day I attended the temple. I was able to feel the spirit and find some peace and comfort in the plan of salvation, in knowing that Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and is watching over me. I was able to begin to release more of the pain and anger I had towards those who had hurt me, and to forgive them. Keith Ablow describes it like this “Never be afraid to feel for someone else, no matter how unfeeling they have been to you. When you do, you stand with what is good and decent and miraculous. You stand with God.” (Seven Wonders, pg 167) I was able to forgive them, but the pain was still there, although greatly reduced.

I spent the rest of the day alone, mostly in my hotel room. I read more of The Seven Wonders, I took a much needed nap, and then I addressed envelopes. I had decided to mail with funeral programs to friends and family members, to write notes of forgiveness, or love or encouragement to others as an important step in my healing process. I included in most of my cards the address of my blog. I didn’t count, but I probably had about 40 envelopes addresses. I worked long into the night on the cards, so long that it was 1am before I even noticed. I still had many cards to go . . . but I was on the right path.

The next morning I met my friend for breakfast. We spoke again for another 2 hours. Honestly, we hadn’t spoken in over a year, and that is the way our friendship goes, even if it is a year or 2 between conversations, it is like we just talked yesterday. Except for once. As I was reading the chapter on Friendship I thought a lot about my friend, and I remembered the time when I wasn’t there for her. I realized that I needed to ask for her forgiveness. We had a wonderful talk and cemented our friendship even deeper. I will always treasure her friendship, because we have truly bonded, and will be eternal friends.

These few days away – by myself – in the presence of a true friend – in the temple – were exactly what I needed. I was again able to center myself, to have faith, and courage, have the strength to go on. Listening to and reading The Seven Wonders was an important part  of this transformation and helped to give me insight into what was to come next . . .

The next few weeks and months were truly a whirlwind . . .  and I’ve thought back to this TIME OUT often as reassurance that I was on the right path. At this time I’m unable to say more in such a public forum, but I am continually grateful that I had this opportunity to prepare me for what lay ahead.

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I began writing this post while still in Twin Falls, but in the whirlwind of life that has happened since then, and the fact that I’ve given my copy of the Seven Wonders away twice, I was never able to finish. I am so glad I finally got it done, because I felt like I needed to post this – before moving on to any other posts. I miss posting, and I am glad to be back.

Mortality–Our Temporary Home

I read an article in my Relief Society newsletter that recommended this song, Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood.

Rebecca P.  wrote it was one her daughter was thinking of using at her commencement. I immediately thought about the concept of death, as a commencement. I don’t know if this is what she was talking about – but to me it was a beautiful thought. Death – is not the end, it is only the beginning, the commencement, of the next stage in our eternal life. A life that didn’t begin at earth. We are eternal spiritual beings. Birth, no conception, was also just the beginning of a new stage in our spiritual life. I say conception, because I believe, very strongly, that the spirit enters the body long before birth. I have long loved this quote -

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience.”

I looked it up – and found out that is is from Teilhard de Chardin, a Jesuit priest, who was a very wise and spiritual man. I enjoyed reading his quotes on thinkexist. I would love to learn more about him. As much as I have always loved and saw the truth in the above quote, I love this version, also by Teilhard de Chardin  even more.

“You are not a human being in search of a spiritual experience.
You are a spiritual being immersed in a human experience”

This human experience is sometimes very difficult, but it is made even more difficult when we fail to realize, or forget, or ignore, that we are spiritual beings. Just like our bodies need food and water, our spiritual bodies need scriptures, prayer, meditation, and fresh air. When we ignore our spiritual needs all else falls apart, but as another friend reminded me, President Ezra Taft Benson said, WHEN WE PUT GOD FIRST in our lives, all OTHER things will fall into their proper PLACE or fall out of our LIVES! (The Great Commandment – Love the Lord, Ezra Taft Benson,Ensign, General Conference Issue, May 1988)

I am recommitting to do just that, put GOD first in my life. The promise is amazing, if I do my part, everything else is life will be better, better than I can even dream.

We must put God in the forefront of everything else in our lives. He must come first, just as He declares in the first of His Ten Commandments: “Thou shalt have no other gods before me” (Ex. 20:3).

When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities.

We should put God ahead of everyone else in our lives.
(The Great Commandment – Love the Lord, Ezra Taft Benson,Ensign, General Conference Issue, May 1988)

 

The Problem at My House

I wrote this a couple of days ago. I just never posted it. I’m posting it now so that my post tomorrow will make sense. I’m also go to set the post date to the date I should have posted it, even though I am posting it late or early Friday Morning I think I wrote it Monday or Tuesday.

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There’s a problem at my house, and I’m afraid the problem is me. I’m really struggling right now, with everything. I thought I could handle losing Holly. I really did. I happened to run into the Bishopbric the evening we found out there was no heartbeat – and I told them I would deliver the baby on Thursday, and I expected to be back to church on Sunday. Everything would be OK, I had been through this before.

I was very obviously in denial. At that point, I still didn’t believe that the baby was dead, I was sure that there had been some mistake, that I had felt the definite movement that morning, and since then. I spent hours that night searching the internet for stories of ultrasounds that were wrong, and a heart beat was found at a subsequent ultrasound. And I found them, there was a shred of hope out there. Barely a sliver really, these had been ultrasounds and much earlier gestations, ones where a heartbeat had never been detected before . . . maybe the baby’s heart just hadn’t started yet and needed a bit more time.

The next day my parents came by with doughnuts for breakfast and took the kids away for a previously planned workday at my sisters house. I requested a blessing before they left – and so my husband and my dad gave me a priesthood blessing. Brad anointed, and my Dad was voice for the blessing. I don’t remember most of what was said, but I’ll paraphrase the small tidbit that I do remember  “the baby was taken at this time so you can begin healing.” That was so not what I wanted to hear, but it was what I needed to hear. As I spent the day alone I was able to take a step on the healing process and move out of denial, to accept that I was indeed carrying a dead baby.

 

Fast forward . . . and I mean FAST . . .  9 weeks. I haven’t hardly had a moment to breathe. Our vacation was amazing, and I was able to let go of all of the hurts, trials, and responsibilities of my daily life, well at least I left most of them behind, anytime you are responsible for 5, and intermingling almost constantly with 11 there is bound to be some stress on the mother. Maybe not let them go, but leave them behind. It was a nice break, and I didn’t want to come home and have to pick them back up again. Life, however must go on, and they are my burdens, and I must deal with them.

Life has been so hectic, so crazy. So fun. Honestly, we have had an amazing summer. We have done so many fun things. Vacation. Family. Friends. Swimming. TV. Cousins. Family Reunion. Computer. The list goes on. I have really enjoyed planning fun things for my kids to do – and then doing them with them. It just got to be to much fun. No downtime, for the kids, or for me. Ok, not true. We slept every night. I slept a lot less than the kids. I needed “MY” time. I searched the web. I wrote blogs. I facebooked. I read books. I avoided dealing with my emotions. I surfed the web or played games until I was so tired that I could go to sleep without tossing and turning first. Sometimes it worked.

I didn’t deal with the emotional issues as they came. One here – one there. A misspoken word. An imagined offense. An insensitive remark. Oh, the tears were there. I cried, huge, racking sobs. I yelled, and cryed to my husband. Why am I being treated this way. I wrote in my journal. Sometimes I prayed. It seemed easier to just ignore everything around me.

I think the problem at my house is me – and I’m ready to run away. I need a break. I need to regroup. I need to find peace.

Love begins . . . Grief never ends

 

It’s been almost 9 weeks since the day of my ultrasound. The day I was looking forward to for so long, longer than you may think. I was pregnant, and my girls were old enough to really appreciate and learn from my pregnancy. I had invited both of my older daughters to come to the ultrasound with my husband and I. I was so excited, and so were they. We were going to find out if it was a girl or a boy, and I was going to start teaching them about the wonders of having a baby. We were going to watch videos on prenatal development, I was going to let them help me pick out new clothes, get the room ready, meet with a doula, tour the hospital, and a birthing center, etc. I was so excited, I was just waiting for the time when they could see the ultrasound, and feel the baby move.

That time never came however. I’ve experienced many ultrasounds, including a few traumatic ones. I had it when the ultrasound tech stops talking, but keeps looking, and then suddenly they are gone, but will be right back. That is never a good sign. There is silence in the room. No one knows what to say. I pray, silently, and squeeze Brad’s hand. We’ve been through this before, several times. I plead, let it just be a small problem. MaryAnn scared us like this, but she is beautiful. Please let my baby be alive. Although, I’ve seen enough ultrasounds to be able to understand when they are looking for a heart beat – and the little lines that should have been wavy, weren’t. How can I go through this again. Oh, my girls are here. I had such high hopes, such plans. This will be the second time Rebecca’s been with me to hear the news that there isn’t a heart beat. We’d already seen this baby’s heartbeat 7n weeks ago, and I heard it only 4 weeks ago.

That was brutal, the 16 week checkup, the doctor had such a hard time finding the heart beat. I had been so worried, and it seemed like it took 10 minutes for him to find the heart beat., and it hurt so bad, as he pressed the little wand into my lower abdomen over and over, here and there, trying to find the heartbeat while I tried not to breathe, and pray, and not cry all at the same time. Finally, thankfully, he found the heartbeat, and sent me home.

The tech came back in a said that the doctor wasn’t available right away and to just keep waiting. I told her I didn’t want to wait, for her to just tell me what the problem was, that I had been through this before. Honestly, after that I don’t remember. I hope that in my silent prayer I had gotten to the “Please be with my girls” and “help us through this” and “Thy Will Be DONE”.  After that I was numb. And in denial. and shock. I wanted to know the plans, and go home and cry, by myself.

Many parents are surprised by the emotions they feel after a miscarriage. They often feel shock and disbelief. Life seems unreal for a time. They express depression, anger (directed at themselves, their mates, a doctor, God, or even life in general), guilt, irritability, lack of interest in normal activities, sadness. Many experience irregularities in sleeping or eating. Some feel anger or sadness in the presence of babies or pregnant women. (Coping with the Heartache of Miscarriage, Janene Wolsey Baadsgaard, Ensign, July 1989)

I've felt these feelings, asked these questions, found peace, and yet needed to revisit them again, and again, as I've had multiple losses, and anniversaries of those losses. I’ve learned how to handle grief, and forgotten. I’ve bottled up the emotions, and tried to move on, not realizing what that was doing to my attitude, my personality, my relationships, my soul. I’ve mourned. I’ve cried. I prayed. I’ve read many books. I’ve healed, some. I’ve found peace.

I’ve brought more children into the world. I have learned to love them a little more. To cuddle them more often. To treat them a little more tenderly. I’ve become more Christ-Like. I hope. I’ve struggled. I’ve grown. I’ve had another miscarriage. I’ve regressed. I accepted, on some level, God’s plan for my life. I tried to bypass grieving with a blanket statement of faith. That didn’t help. The pain came out in other areas of my life, for nothing can ever be created or destroyed, just rearranged.

It is birthday time again. Yesterday was Kyle's birthday, and usually we can celebrate his life, short though it was, but this year is so much more difficult, as the grave has been freshly dug to bury his sister with him, and we once again have to wait for the grass to grow and blend in with the surroundings.

I will have to patiently answer questions like, "How come Holly doesn't have a headstone?" and "When will they be alive again?' I will have to be brave, and calm, and set a good example for my kids, even if I feel like laying down on the baby grass and crying and crying. October is still a long ways away, and we've already said "goodbye to Holly" and it wasn't even time to say "hello".

Grief is not a behavior. Mourning is a behavior that occurs within grief. Generally people believe that when the socially recognized period of mourning has ended, so does grief. Grief continues, with episodes of mourning. (CiCi found this somewhere – I wish I knew where.)

Grieving is never done. If it was it would be like saying we never loved. Doctrine and Covenants 42:45-46 tells us the mourning is appropriate, even when we know that death is part of the plan, and that our babies will be saved eternally.

45 Thou shalt ^alive together in ^blove, insomuch that thou shalt ^cweep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not ^dhope of a glorious resurrection.

46 And it shall come to pass that those that die in me shall not ^ataste of ^bdeath, for it shall be ^csweet unto them;

 

The Encyclopedia of Mormonism states, “Mourning not only is appropriate; it is also one of the deepest expressions of pure love" (Encyclopedia of Mormonism, Death and Dying).  We had more than a moment with Holly and Kyle, our love grows even in our grief, we strive to live our life so we can be with them, again, in the eternities.

If I Listen with My Heart

I am constantly amazed at the wonderful resources produced by the church to help us teach our families, not only in print, but online as well.


I am not musical, so these songs and videos are wonderful for me to use to teach my children the impact of great music in their lives. Here is the link the page with 8 songs that were printed in the Friend, with sheetmusic, audio, and sometimes video.


This is the video that we watched during our afternoon devotional today.

LDS.org - Friend Article - If I Listen with My Heart

 I say afternoon devotional because we haven't been getting out of bed and eating breakfast until about 10am, so it is afternoon before we are sufficiently prepared for devotional. After devotional I have been reading Prince Caspian to the kids, until I am to tired to keep my eyes open and then I lay down on the couch and take a nap.

We have had a rough and very busy summer, and we are relaxing this week, however, everyone is starting to feel like they are ready for more structure, so next week will see a return to family breakfasts, and morning devotionals, and regularly scheduled bedtimes. I think it will be good for all of us.

The Skin that I’m In

I'm slipping back into a skin that I'm not sure that I want to be in. Ten days of vacation from home, school, grief, work, church, menus, callings, yard work, responsibilities, homeschooling, friendships, etc was nice. Not lazy, or boring, super busy as usual. I still had 5 kids to watch over and ensure that their basic needs were met, food, clothes, sleep and shelter, and their emotional needs were still paramount in my thoughts and actions.   It was nice to leave so many other concerns behind, although we went so many places and did so many fun, touristy types of things.

As usual, carving out a bit of time for myself was difficult. I desire that time at night, but am often to tired to be real productive when I am winding down from a long day. I sometimes try to wake up early, but it never seems to fail that if Mom is awake early, and wants quiet time, so are the kids, of course, if their are chores to be done they might stay in bed all day.

Part of me wants to just move on to a new normal, start over, be free from past worries. From past experience I know that ignoring the issues, or trying to hide them deep inside is not the answer. I need to deal with my issues in a productive manner, or they will deal with me in a non-productive and harmful way when I least expect it.

There is no end in sight to the ocean, and it's force is powerful. You can stand on the sand, dip your ankles into the water, but it's pull is nearly irresistible. The waves call to you to come in, to feel the power of the tide. Heavenly Father's love is greater than the ocean. He wants us to come home to him. He sent his Son to save us from our sins the way the waves wipe out all traces of human presence in the sand. Forgiveness and Repentance are as available to us, as writing our concerns in the sand, and having them washed away by the LOVE, Peace and Hope that is found in the Ocean Waves.

I know that I can forgive, I know that I can find that peace in my life, and I Heavenly Father wants me to, and I know that I need to, but it won't happen magically. I have to take the effort. I need to find the time to pray, to meditate, to write, to acknowledge my own contributions to pain that I feel. I need to write my fears, feelings, errors, and offerings of forgiveness in the sands of my soul and allow Heavenly Father to wash away the pain and infuse my soul with peace.

I want to again find peace in my own skin, and have the energy and emotional strength to BECOME . . . more than I am.